Analogue

I guess it's just hard for me to believe that 2009 will be the first of many years in which I will never see him again. It's freaking me out. I mean, it's really messing me up.

I am trying to feel and act like I normally would, it's just not working out that way. I just walk around like I am in a daze. I'll just start crying for no real apparent reason, in my head I just keep saying over and over, "He is dead. He's really dead." It's like my brain won't shut up for five minutes without reminding me.

I had my first dream about him the other night though, since he died. It was really scary because he was in the hospital for an overdose, but he was getting better. And then his nurse gave him 2.5 mg of percocet and he died. While I was there.

I've decided that I am going to write a story for him, about him. I guess this biography is a little late, but I think it's been a long time coming. I've always felt like I had so much to say about him, even though some of it, most of it, isn't exactly praise. Right now though, I am just trying to organize my thoughts. I took the first step in really starting to put things down on paper though. I've decided on a preliminary name: Analogue. I think it really suits him. He was always so stubborn, opinionated, and unwilling to change for anyone. I guess that's really where we went wrong; we were definitely too similar.

I hate writing all of this in the past-tense because it's just another indicator that he's really gone. It's not just a bad dream, an awful joke anymore. It's real. And I am scared because he was always my constant. No matter what, he was always there. And now he's gone forever.